Since I’ve established a certain level of comfort with making broad-sweeping generalizations about days of the week, today was EITHER:
- Mean-Girl-Monday or,
- “Mind yo’ business” Monday.
Either way, the day ended with the purchase of a box of wine.
Let’s play 10 truths and a lie, shall we? Which of these is NOT true. Yep. Only one is not true.
I yelled (like screaming yelled) at my children in the car.
I told my children my boss yells at me when they make me late. This is blatantly false.
I took their toys and made them cry.
I took my husband’s toys and made him cry.
I bad mouthed a guidance counselor.
I passive aggressively BCCed a librarian.
I put in an email “I am…frustrated.” When what I MEANT was, “I am…muttering obscenities under my breath and have torn up your memo into tiny little pieces because we’re too underfunded for me to have a shredder.”
I said, “It doesn’t matter if they’re mad if they do what we want.”
I mimed stabbing myself in the eye with a dry-erase marker.
A student said (while I was miming stabbing myself in the eye with a dry erase marker) “I think she’s going psycho.”
You think, kid?
And if you’re WONDERING whether that became a F@#!ing “teachable moment” where I discussed with the class why it’s a bad idea to alienate an angry authority figure (particularly one who is trying to HELP them and who is at least self aware enough to have WARNED them beforehand)…then yes. We had a little teachable “Mind-yo-business” moment.
And all of that happened before noon. Except for the thing about Zach’s toys…but only because his toys are stupid and I don’t want to play with them anyway.
I have written previously about my “inner mean girl.” My friend Matt told me recently that my inner mean girl is not always so “inner.” And Matt’s a lawyer. Probably makes people cry daily, so…burn.
My MOM put it more simply. “You’re scary when you’re angry.”
Mom!! I KNOW THIS!!! (And why would you SAY that to someone who is scary when they’re angry?! Have you no sense of self-preservation?)
I wish I was only a mean girl on Mondays. But I am very aware of my capacity to make others suffer when I’m grumpy, tired, disappointed, overwhelmed, stressed, hungry, etc. Insert negative emoji face here ______ .
In my defense (because you know I got’em, Mr. Fancy prosecuting attorney) I’m way better than I used to be. I remember pulling out a full-on crying fest because my boyfriend forgot to get eggs for the home-made vanilla icecream we were going to make. This is not what we call a critical issue. I very truly no longer resort to emotional extortion as a matter of course.
And even though I was grouchy, there were definitely moments when I was able to get myself together and:
- Have a productive meeting with my principal about a mentorship program.
- Encourage a student NOT to fight another student in the office.
- Hug Kip and Ivy and say “I love you even when I’m mad.”
The truth is, though…I’m not willing to give her up. Regina. I…kinda like her.
This is not a Lenten apology.
I need my inner mean girl. The world can be MEAN and it’s most often mean to folks that can’t fight back.
Come to think of it…I feel some more justification coming on. Today, much of my anger stemmed from someone trying to either take advantage of or not fulfill their obligations to another human being. And yep, that makes me MAD and it’s not going to STOP making me mad and just because I’m a woman and an enlightened human being who wants to become the best version of herself EVENTUALLY, that DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT THIS SECOND, THIS LENT, OR THIS MONDAY.
(Breathe, Regina, Breathe.)
If you’re still there and you made it past the CAPS LOCK YELLING…I know I need my anger. My mean-ness even. I plan to lead a life where I’m plunging into spaces where people are swinging, hoarding, or just plain looking the other way from folks who are struggling. I don’t think anger and “mean-ness” is always the answer to get people to pay attention…but it’s not NEVER the answer.
I’m not claiming that’s what happened every moment today. Today I was mad at a box of wine because it was too big to fit in my refrigerator. Ain’t no moral justification for that.
So maybe…alternating Monday themes.
Today? “Mean girl Monday.”
Next week? Making amends Monday.
Let’s try to make THAT happen Gretchen. #Fetch #SayCrackAgain
No need to remind me which day we’re on, though. It’ll just piss me off.